Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i think i have two assholes
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
