Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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