life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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