I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
