Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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