Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The Olympian is in my bed
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
