Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
