The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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