When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
