if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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