so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
