I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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