I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Can you bring me the toilet please
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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