considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
