i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
