I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
