So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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