Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
