Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
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i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
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Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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