If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
