He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
