i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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