Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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