During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
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you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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