Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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