Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
