Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
