yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
