Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
