Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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