i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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