Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
