I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
