I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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