I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So squirting runs in the family.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
