I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
