it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
