Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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