if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Randomize
