I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
