Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
