fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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