ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
