why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
