You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
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Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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