I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
