do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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