Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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