I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
