A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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