the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
