My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so let's talk penis.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
