I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
