I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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