the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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