; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
