i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
