i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The uberlube is also flammable
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
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